Honest Thoughts: Needs

On a scale of 1 to 10...my self esteem usually falls at about a 0. I do not value me and I do not feel worthy of having others in my life.  I am on a journey to fix this because it destroys the beautiful people and things I have in my life and it sucks away days and years of my one chance at life.

I bottle things and make my needs the last priority for myself. I don't tell people what I need and hope that they can see it. If they can't, then I feel that it's not important and that need is just a silly quirk in my personality that deserves to be pushed a way and skipped over.

But, as I'm learning, to feel worthy, you must express and meet your needs.

To Feel Most Content With All Life:

-I need: to be told when I have done wrong to you

-I need: my company sought out

-I need: to be told I am cared about, regularly

-I need: people to be honest and upfront with me.

-I need: hugs and back rubs

-I need: encouragement

-I need: to be believed in

-I need: to know what you need

-I need: a mentor  

-I need: to be listened to

-I need: to be encouraged to explain my thoughts

-I need: to be asked

-I need: to know how people view me

-I need: to know, even in my darkest times, that people won't give up on me

-I need: friends to know that I care about them and loyally support them and will fiercely defend them always.

-I need: to embrace being open about everything that makes me human (needs, wants, dreams, fears, desires, likes, joys, sexuality, hobbies, passions, careers, inner thoughts, philosophies)

-I need: to express myself in real life, vocally, and not through internet.

-I need: quality time with all the people I care about

 I look at all of these and kind of want to feel ashamed for needing these things. I want to back away and be shy about it, go hide, and not face anyone who would know this. My face turns a bit red at the thought of expressing this and letting people know...but, when you stand back and think on it, it's all kind of beautiful that each of us shares this common aspect of humanity. We need a certain combination of things to fill us up inside. And sometimes, we'll share one of the same needs, which provides a reminder that we're not the awkward ones who have some sort of odd deficiency for having this particular need.

Missing Things...and Making them for the Present

I've been both missing things and simultaneously reflecting on the good times as well.

Ultimately, everything on this list shares the same thing. I miss the family spirit and spending quality time with people all the time.


Memories:


Sunday Family dinner (the 2nd Generation). It was reliable. One day a week, we'd get together, we'd cook, play games, drink good things, talk, and it was always there, always reliable, you always knew when you'd see the people you cared about. Also, it was fun!


Cookie Baking Day: good friends get together and making cookies and swap them out around Christmas.


Christmas Movies/Solstice: This wasn't an annual deal...but I have fond memories of going to the Solstice Tea, Mall of America after for shopping with friends, and then back to watch a Muppet Family Christmas complete with stove top cooked hot chocolate and friends who enjoyed having you around so much that they kept showing more movie clips so you wouldn't leave.


Memorial Day BBQ: The big green egg, gourmet cooked meat, drinks, and just sitting and chatting.


Roller Derby: going, watching, hanging out, cheering ridiculously, letting the wild side spirit show without shame.


Renaissance Festival: Dancing, performing, and the genuine happiness, the camping afterwards, the crazy adventures we had, my 21st birthday...all amazing memories of time well spent with people.


Burlesque: it was awesome to watch and the atmosphere was open, it was the open and the discussions around this time period about the stupidity of trying to be perfect that are well missed. also, some of those ladies and dudes were pretty darn talented.


Marching Band: being a team, traveling, performing, adventure, hard work...esprit de corp, and being a part of something with 200 people sharing one passion and goal. I miss it.


Qwikspell: a project, two girls, Harry Potter obsession, and amazing quality time, dreams, and exploration.


Girl Time: pedicures, hair, and all those make up nights. Even the tom boy in me can dissolve to appreciate girl time.


Music Night: The night where we'd go to the pub, drink, and listen to our favorite bands. Every week...it was awesome.


Camping: we went camping all the time...camping in costume, camping in plain clothes, camping to go rock exploring, camping to go camping, camping to drink booze, and well, I could go on. Miss the camping experience and brotherhood/sisterhood/renniehood it involved.


Halloween: The Marietta Graziella "mansion" all decorated right out of a vintage halloween haunted house manual  filled with the live music, costumes, booze, and fun.


St. Patty's Day: shot checkers, day of irish music and dance, and everyone taking the day off to celebrate, bringing green things to the potluck, following our favorite bands from pub to pub.


 Fall: right post fest...there was hay rides, pumpkin patches, carving with people, stitch 'n bitch... 

I dream of sharing stuff like this with my Cali friend family, but in our way. And I think the key to following this dream to stop thinking that I'm the bubonic plague. To not be afraid to ask people for their company. To not tell myself that it will never happen and not even bother asking. And the biggest thing: to love myself enough to not believe that I am unworthy of their company.