Honest Thoughts: Needs

On a scale of 1 to 10...my self esteem usually falls at about a 0. I do not value me and I do not feel worthy of having others in my life.  I am on a journey to fix this because it destroys the beautiful people and things I have in my life and it sucks away days and years of my one chance at life.

I bottle things and make my needs the last priority for myself. I don't tell people what I need and hope that they can see it. If they can't, then I feel that it's not important and that need is just a silly quirk in my personality that deserves to be pushed a way and skipped over.

But, as I'm learning, to feel worthy, you must express and meet your needs.

To Feel Most Content With All Life:

-I need: to be told when I have done wrong to you

-I need: my company sought out

-I need: to be told I am cared about, regularly

-I need: people to be honest and upfront with me.

-I need: hugs and back rubs

-I need: encouragement

-I need: to be believed in

-I need: to know what you need

-I need: a mentor  

-I need: to be listened to

-I need: to be encouraged to explain my thoughts

-I need: to be asked

-I need: to know how people view me

-I need: to know, even in my darkest times, that people won't give up on me

-I need: friends to know that I care about them and loyally support them and will fiercely defend them always.

-I need: to embrace being open about everything that makes me human (needs, wants, dreams, fears, desires, likes, joys, sexuality, hobbies, passions, careers, inner thoughts, philosophies)

-I need: to express myself in real life, vocally, and not through internet.

-I need: quality time with all the people I care about

 I look at all of these and kind of want to feel ashamed for needing these things. I want to back away and be shy about it, go hide, and not face anyone who would know this. My face turns a bit red at the thought of expressing this and letting people know...but, when you stand back and think on it, it's all kind of beautiful that each of us shares this common aspect of humanity. We need a certain combination of things to fill us up inside. And sometimes, we'll share one of the same needs, which provides a reminder that we're not the awkward ones who have some sort of odd deficiency for having this particular need.

Missing Things...and Making them for the Present

I've been both missing things and simultaneously reflecting on the good times as well.

Ultimately, everything on this list shares the same thing. I miss the family spirit and spending quality time with people all the time.


Memories:


Sunday Family dinner (the 2nd Generation). It was reliable. One day a week, we'd get together, we'd cook, play games, drink good things, talk, and it was always there, always reliable, you always knew when you'd see the people you cared about. Also, it was fun!


Cookie Baking Day: good friends get together and making cookies and swap them out around Christmas.


Christmas Movies/Solstice: This wasn't an annual deal...but I have fond memories of going to the Solstice Tea, Mall of America after for shopping with friends, and then back to watch a Muppet Family Christmas complete with stove top cooked hot chocolate and friends who enjoyed having you around so much that they kept showing more movie clips so you wouldn't leave.


Memorial Day BBQ: The big green egg, gourmet cooked meat, drinks, and just sitting and chatting.


Roller Derby: going, watching, hanging out, cheering ridiculously, letting the wild side spirit show without shame.


Renaissance Festival: Dancing, performing, and the genuine happiness, the camping afterwards, the crazy adventures we had, my 21st birthday...all amazing memories of time well spent with people.


Burlesque: it was awesome to watch and the atmosphere was open, it was the open and the discussions around this time period about the stupidity of trying to be perfect that are well missed. also, some of those ladies and dudes were pretty darn talented.


Marching Band: being a team, traveling, performing, adventure, hard work...esprit de corp, and being a part of something with 200 people sharing one passion and goal. I miss it.


Qwikspell: a project, two girls, Harry Potter obsession, and amazing quality time, dreams, and exploration.


Girl Time: pedicures, hair, and all those make up nights. Even the tom boy in me can dissolve to appreciate girl time.


Music Night: The night where we'd go to the pub, drink, and listen to our favorite bands. Every week...it was awesome.


Camping: we went camping all the time...camping in costume, camping in plain clothes, camping to go rock exploring, camping to go camping, camping to drink booze, and well, I could go on. Miss the camping experience and brotherhood/sisterhood/renniehood it involved.


Halloween: The Marietta Graziella "mansion" all decorated right out of a vintage halloween haunted house manual  filled with the live music, costumes, booze, and fun.


St. Patty's Day: shot checkers, day of irish music and dance, and everyone taking the day off to celebrate, bringing green things to the potluck, following our favorite bands from pub to pub.


 Fall: right post fest...there was hay rides, pumpkin patches, carving with people, stitch 'n bitch... 

I dream of sharing stuff like this with my Cali friend family, but in our way. And I think the key to following this dream to stop thinking that I'm the bubonic plague. To not be afraid to ask people for their company. To not tell myself that it will never happen and not even bother asking. And the biggest thing: to love myself enough to not believe that I am unworthy of their company. 

My Personal Darkside of Social Media

It's 4 am, the last two hours have been spent pondering the effects of social media on my personal life. The following exploration of my inner conscious (is that the right word) has thus resulted.

As an avid facebooker, who fills in the gaps with twitter, I can see the perks of social media. It's a visual opportunity to tell your story and hear the stories of others. Social media is great, but it seems to have a dark side.

I read this article: Facebook users get more than they give (the article was bad, but it was interesting to think about the effects of facebook and social media on real life experiences). One quote that was profound was when they talked about how facebook makes you feel good in ways that real life doesn't when it comes to socialization.

Hmm...intriguing, so my social media thought process began.

Why I Use Social Media:

-I love stories, I love telling stories, and I especially love hearing peoples tell stories about themselves and their lives.

-Connection with people who live far away

-An augmentation of the face-to-face social relationships I have with friends

-It's an opportunity to openly be myself in a written method

-Face-to-face socialization has always been difficult, social media makes socialization easy

I also use social media for other reasons. To put it plainly, when it comes to socializing. I'm an idiot, mostly because it is not an instinctual process, but an intellectual process. I don't understand the nuances and boundaries of socializing. Facebook/Twitter make the boundary issue less of one. You can broadcast something and if someone doesn't want to see it or hear it, they can ignore it and it doesn't suck for you. (well, it does when no one responds, but that's a different issue).

But, there is a dark side. I've been thinking about the dark side to social media lately, which has almost increased the appeal and desire to use it even more.

A Personal dark side example: The Facebook Status Invite

This evening, I broadcast an invite across social media to socialize. I actually hesitated before doing so, but my shaky confidence concluded that it may be a great idea. 

As a result, I posted an impersonal invite and found the response to not yield my desired results (or perhaps it has, my phone just hasn't had service), which I totally expected, because before I posted it, I thought about my reaction to other people posting those same things. Usually, when I see an invite, I feel as if because it is not a personal request that the invite does not apply to me and I do not want to feel foolish for responding and then discovering that my company was not desired.

My personal reason for posting this status invite was actually for a reason opposite of why I don't respond to postings like this. I posted it because I felt too shy to ask people directly to participate with me because I did not want to bother anyone in case my company was not desired.

INTERESTING...

I wonder if others have a similar train of thought when they see general invites to people via statuses and it looks like taking the easy way out actually lands you somewhere worse than where you started off in the first place.

I'll write more on this another time, but I've found that for someone like me who is very shy in face-to-face situations, that social media is a good opportunity to become comfortable expressing inner thoughts with people I see face-to-face. Lately, I think I've been relying on it too much. I get bored and find it too easy to turn to writing a status update or tweet to curb boredom and facilitate social interaction, yet find that it does not gratify that need and reduces my encouragement and drive to personally seek out someone that I wish to socialize with.

Hmm...more to ponder later. ZzzzzzzZzzzz

2012 Resolution

I just wanted to say...that at times, I am at major odds with social anxiety. Sometimes I win, sometimes it wins.

My behavior and interactions in social situations can be really weird. It's at its worst with my closest friends, but gets better the more I interact with people and push through the nervousness, chalk up the confidence to talk to someone, and force my brain not to blank.

I  avert eye contact, walk away, or do say anything and signal that I want nothing to do with talking to you, but I really mean the opposite. Instincts jump in the way and then my brain tries to fight back and it all materialize in a conglomeration that is just awkward, weird, and uncomfortable on both ends.

It sucks! But, my 2012 resolution is to win all the time! 

I've got it!

This blog is about to get a makeover of sorts because I've finally figured out what it's supposed to be.

I had an interesting conversation the other night with one of my roommates that actually centered around blogs and why we read them. It was then that I discovered what the voice of my blog should be.

So far, it's talked about my environmental theories...meh. It's talked about the crazy downsides I've faced in life and the uncertainties that have arisen...meh, and then...there's this one story. Every time I think about my blog, I think about the story of rounding the corner and running into a western gull after an overnight on the island. That story makes me laugh every time I think of it and that story is the essence of what I want to blog about.

My profession is telling stories of history and nature, one of the things that makes me most happy in life is sitting down and listening to friends tell a personal story about themselves or their experiences, and that was the inspiration for where this blog will be going. This blog is going to share my story.

This will be a challenge, because I don't find myself all that interesting. But I love stories, I love details, and I love photos, and I love reading about everyone's experiences, so I'm going to take a whack at adding my own.

So, hold on, it will take a bit of time. I'm about to start classes and we don't have internet at my house yet so getting content published will be difficult. Very difficult for the next couple of weeks.

See you on the flip side.

No Rest for the Weary

Hoping to take this blog somewhere exciting in the future. For now, I have so much school work that I have little time for anything and then there's work on top of that.

Right now, I'm so tired that 75% of the words that people say to me sound like: "blah" "blah" "blah"

Included in the blah blah blah is the feeling of blah. Definitely so busy I'm feeling trapped and can't figure out how to make things fun. Hoping this funk is just a product of being overly tired. Also, the adjustments of new jobs, new house, school, etc., etc. are probably a part of it too.

With that, if I'm out of sorts and just not the usual...I'm working through it, slowly. Apologies for the self-centered world I currently live in. The blog will be more interesting and so will conversations...

Argh!

Oi. Life is stressfully frustrating as of late.

It seems like there are a couple people waiting around every corner attempting to attack me as soon as I make a simple mistake. Mistakes are learned from and I've figured out how to fess up to being wrong as best as possible.It still gets annoying to have people who refuse to trust you though. Grr...

Also, life is all busy, making me miss spending time with people. I'm quite isolated now. We have no internet, no phone reception, and former dormmates will be moving on making the homeland Headlands a lonely place to live.

I've also become too addicted to facebook statuses. It's times like these that twitter is more useful. I need to take a status update break.

Ok, back to homework. Can't wait to go to the conference next week. Although, I am absolutely terrified of meeting new people and I find networking to be exhausting and unenjoyable.