Lately,
Life has thrown me for a loop, kept me incredibly busy, and is now leaving me struggling to breathe and keep up.
I've definitely felt like I'm so stressed that I am borderline crazy. This is problematic, because being calm, cool, and collected is generally how the world operates from my point of view.
The other part of this is that the stress has totally lead my actions to be uncharacteristic of me, which then depletes self confidence, which then leads to frustration, and goes in this crazy spiraling motion of chaotic thought that I hate.
The good news, next week will be fun and is filled with an exciting opportunity to learn and remove myself from the usual environment. The crazy and stress is starting to de-escalate as homework is taken charge of and is getting accomplished.
Doesn't change some of the unfortunate work things though, but I guess I will try to take them as learning opportunities and character building chances since they are what they are and if I wish to progress in my career, I have to take hold of what is in front of me. This leaves me in an interesting and insanely challenging and sometimes unfair predicament. In the end, it will be worth it, at the moment, it comes with ups, downs, and AAAAAaaaaaRRRRgggGGGhhhHHHsssSSs.
That's all. When I actually have internet at my house, I'll write some more sometime.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Things I Know to Be True
Sarah Kay: If I should have a daughter ... | Video on TED.com
This blog was inspired by the above talk...
Things I know to be true...about myself
-Daydreaming is something I can't not do
-Driving places gives a sense of getting somewhere
-I use to wonder why on earth people would want to be friends with me, then I got to know myself.
-Sometimes I still wonder that, and try to remember who I am.
-I can be a little eccentric at times and a little out there at others, but I guess that is what makes me, me.
-I don't ever really get mad, only frustrated and it's normally with myself for subjecting others to hearing my frustrations.
-I get annoyed when I talk about myself and write about myself too much, because I want to know others stories, but at the same time, I never know how to connect with others without personal references.
-Asking for things is one of the most difficult for me to do.
-My indecision has lead to challenging consequences, yet, making decisions is still difficult, mostly because I want to do the write thing and don't like the social consequences of the wrong decision.
-When it comes to work and my job, I know what I want and for the most part, I can be the person I am and want to be.
-I am still working on the above in the rest of life's settings
-I have difficulty with self confidence
-It's fun to analyze the evolution of thought and personal change...which is why I write these random blogs.
-Meeting new people is tough, but learning new things is absolutely fascinating and ridiculous well received.
Now, to figure out how to turn this into a poem...
This blog was inspired by the above talk...
Things I know to be true...about myself
-Daydreaming is something I can't not do
-Driving places gives a sense of getting somewhere
-I use to wonder why on earth people would want to be friends with me, then I got to know myself.
-Sometimes I still wonder that, and try to remember who I am.
-I can be a little eccentric at times and a little out there at others, but I guess that is what makes me, me.
-I don't ever really get mad, only frustrated and it's normally with myself for subjecting others to hearing my frustrations.
-I get annoyed when I talk about myself and write about myself too much, because I want to know others stories, but at the same time, I never know how to connect with others without personal references.
-Asking for things is one of the most difficult for me to do.
-My indecision has lead to challenging consequences, yet, making decisions is still difficult, mostly because I want to do the write thing and don't like the social consequences of the wrong decision.
-When it comes to work and my job, I know what I want and for the most part, I can be the person I am and want to be.
-I am still working on the above in the rest of life's settings
-I have difficulty with self confidence
-It's fun to analyze the evolution of thought and personal change...which is why I write these random blogs.
-Meeting new people is tough, but learning new things is absolutely fascinating and ridiculous well received.
Now, to figure out how to turn this into a poem...
Monday, September 12, 2011
Have You Ever?
Have you ever:
-wanted to start off a conversation with someone by saying: "tell me your story?"
I have. All the time.
Listening to peoples stories and learning about who they are is one of the best things in the world.
Have you ever:
-wondered what happens inside peoples heads?
I do. And I wish everyone felt a great encouragement in just being themselves. If there's one great we learn, it's how to love every part of someone's personality.
-wanted to start off a conversation with someone by saying: "tell me your story?"
I have. All the time.
Listening to peoples stories and learning about who they are is one of the best things in the world.
Have you ever:
-wondered what happens inside peoples heads?
I do. And I wish everyone felt a great encouragement in just being themselves. If there's one great we learn, it's how to love every part of someone's personality.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Where are we going?
That's sort of what the inside of my head looks like right now. Although, it makes a lot more sense now than it has over the past month.
Let's see, took the job that I would've been foolish not to take. All the things I was worried about before taking this job materialized as soon as I started my first day. Most have been resolved in the capacities then can be resolved, others can only be resolved by waiting for the end.
The previous statement brings me to my next topic. There is a reason why I tend to be hesitant about taking jobs mostly for the paycheck. Money isn't enough of a motivation for me...I want challenge, social and intellectual fulfillment, etc. All of these are things I value worlds above money. Sadly, money is something I so very desperately need it's not even funny. Therefore, feeling a bit stuck and like I can't move anywhere.
The redemption point is the two awesome people I get to share my time with. Wish we didn't have to spend so much time standing at opposite ends funneling cars around because I greatly enjoy their insight, wit, conversational style, and most importantly, company. I have a bright side, this job could be worlds worse if they weren't around.
To redeem it a bit more, I'm taking to challenging myself as much as possible to feel like I'm moving somewhere. I spend a lot of time focusing on radio traffic and trying to understand and memorize what's going on, mostly for something to do and because it could be useful for something. I took short breaks here and there when things got slow and used the time to clean the office. Beyond that, I'm not certain what else to challenge myself with, which makes for very long weeks.
My energy and motivation to do anything lately has been zero...in part due to the fact that they may have messed up my paycheck, which has me stretching my intern check as much as possible because it could be 6 weeks with no pay as opposed to 4. The other part of it is that I'm totally drained by the end of the day. It takes a bit of getting used to standing outside all day. The allergies are not amused in the least. And the last part is the fact that my lack of motivation means that I've been pushing off essential chores like grocery shopping. I've been down to nothing for about a week, which has meant lots of very unhealthy meals. I feel pretty gross as a result. If I thought I was missing some junk food, I am now wholly convinced that I have no reason to believe that I might be missing it.
I've fallen back into the swing of things now and feel like I'm starting to adjust to the exhaustive nature of the new job. Despite missing friends I no longer get to see regularly and the thrill of intellectual challenges, things are going well. Got the living quarters scrubbed and organized and tomorrow will involve restocking my pantry and fridge with veggies and more coffee!
Let's see, took the job that I would've been foolish not to take. All the things I was worried about before taking this job materialized as soon as I started my first day. Most have been resolved in the capacities then can be resolved, others can only be resolved by waiting for the end.
The previous statement brings me to my next topic. There is a reason why I tend to be hesitant about taking jobs mostly for the paycheck. Money isn't enough of a motivation for me...I want challenge, social and intellectual fulfillment, etc. All of these are things I value worlds above money. Sadly, money is something I so very desperately need it's not even funny. Therefore, feeling a bit stuck and like I can't move anywhere.
The redemption point is the two awesome people I get to share my time with. Wish we didn't have to spend so much time standing at opposite ends funneling cars around because I greatly enjoy their insight, wit, conversational style, and most importantly, company. I have a bright side, this job could be worlds worse if they weren't around.
To redeem it a bit more, I'm taking to challenging myself as much as possible to feel like I'm moving somewhere. I spend a lot of time focusing on radio traffic and trying to understand and memorize what's going on, mostly for something to do and because it could be useful for something. I took short breaks here and there when things got slow and used the time to clean the office. Beyond that, I'm not certain what else to challenge myself with, which makes for very long weeks.
My energy and motivation to do anything lately has been zero...in part due to the fact that they may have messed up my paycheck, which has me stretching my intern check as much as possible because it could be 6 weeks with no pay as opposed to 4. The other part of it is that I'm totally drained by the end of the day. It takes a bit of getting used to standing outside all day. The allergies are not amused in the least. And the last part is the fact that my lack of motivation means that I've been pushing off essential chores like grocery shopping. I've been down to nothing for about a week, which has meant lots of very unhealthy meals. I feel pretty gross as a result. If I thought I was missing some junk food, I am now wholly convinced that I have no reason to believe that I might be missing it.
I've fallen back into the swing of things now and feel like I'm starting to adjust to the exhaustive nature of the new job. Despite missing friends I no longer get to see regularly and the thrill of intellectual challenges, things are going well. Got the living quarters scrubbed and organized and tomorrow will involve restocking my pantry and fridge with veggies and more coffee!
Friday, July 8, 2011
Fourth, Frets, Future
Frets
I hate to admit it, but at times, I can be a worrier and when faced with tough decisions, I internally freak out at times.
This particular instance is no exception. I am currently faced with a really tough decision. Do I choose a path that will boost my future career opportunities with the status that my job title will receive or do I keep taking on more complicated tasks, build connections to other divisions, complete current projects, and maintain an environment where I work with people I trust and where I feel no boundaries to expressing my insights.
The problem, both are right. But, the first, it gives me a leg up to making the second possible for longer. That means, the first should be the right decision. Logically, I know this. Emotionally, I want to choose the second so badly.
Needless to say, I'm fretting and heartbroken over the repercussions of choosing the first.
Less chance to see friends, means more distance, means, well, I'd rather not think about that.
Fourth
SF's fireworks were definitely the most spectacular I've seen. Two shows that were synched with some really neat effects. They had these need whirly ones that look like they were shot off from a pinwheel or something. There were also smiley faces, hearts, cubes, and fireworks that exploded and then moved in circles really fast and all kinds of neat stuff.
Also had the best vantage point I could ask for. Getting up was a bit terrifying, but it was definitely worth it. The fact that there were very few people, no traffic, and no one blocking the view (except for the thousands of seabirds that took flight after the first explosion) made it the best seat I could have asked for. Also, my company was superb.
Future
I thought I had something to say here, but now I cannot remember it. I do know this much though, the last few weeks have evoked a sense of hope into my future endeavors. I made the last payment yesterday and now have access to all of my transcripts. I am nearly enrolled in my Bachelor's program, and I have a general direction to travel...let's see what happens. In other words, there will probably be a lot of fretting in my future.
Now, to tackle re-writing that resume.
I hate to admit it, but at times, I can be a worrier and when faced with tough decisions, I internally freak out at times.
This particular instance is no exception. I am currently faced with a really tough decision. Do I choose a path that will boost my future career opportunities with the status that my job title will receive or do I keep taking on more complicated tasks, build connections to other divisions, complete current projects, and maintain an environment where I work with people I trust and where I feel no boundaries to expressing my insights.
The problem, both are right. But, the first, it gives me a leg up to making the second possible for longer. That means, the first should be the right decision. Logically, I know this. Emotionally, I want to choose the second so badly.
Needless to say, I'm fretting and heartbroken over the repercussions of choosing the first.
Less chance to see friends, means more distance, means, well, I'd rather not think about that.
Fourth
SF's fireworks were definitely the most spectacular I've seen. Two shows that were synched with some really neat effects. They had these need whirly ones that look like they were shot off from a pinwheel or something. There were also smiley faces, hearts, cubes, and fireworks that exploded and then moved in circles really fast and all kinds of neat stuff.
Also had the best vantage point I could ask for. Getting up was a bit terrifying, but it was definitely worth it. The fact that there were very few people, no traffic, and no one blocking the view (except for the thousands of seabirds that took flight after the first explosion) made it the best seat I could have asked for. Also, my company was superb.Future
I thought I had something to say here, but now I cannot remember it. I do know this much though, the last few weeks have evoked a sense of hope into my future endeavors. I made the last payment yesterday and now have access to all of my transcripts. I am nearly enrolled in my Bachelor's program, and I have a general direction to travel...let's see what happens. In other words, there will probably be a lot of fretting in my future.
Now, to tackle re-writing that resume.
Saturday, July 2, 2011
Art and Fairs and Gifts
Fair
This weekend commenced with a journey to the county fair. Haven't been to one of those in a few years and I do have to say, I really love this fair. Everything was spaced out so nicely and with admission came the ability to partake in a concert, really great performances by Chinese acrobats, movies, animals, rides, etc. Also had the best company one could ask for as well, which made the experience all the more wonderful.
Art
One of my favorite parts is perusing the exhibit hall and seeing the creative side of local people. It gives ideas and insights into some of the crafting that I do and also it's just enjoyable to appreciate someones take on some aspect of the world.
I've really gotten into paintings done by local artists that feature landscapes from around the area. I think a part of this is because I have a mural type thing that I wish to create at some point in my life. I want to commission someone or several someones or take classes and learn to paint pieces that feature prominent features/places/things from my life.
Murals have always fascinated me because most tend to tell a story, which is probably the inspiration for a multi-piece type of "mural" that I want to create. It wouldn't be entire walls. One, maybe two, canvasses from pivotal places or points in my lifetime that feature local places with significant things tied into the landscape.
Or maybe it would only be a mural representing the parks or...I dunno. For me I liken the idea to the reason that some get tattoos. I think the art pieces would express the same only it would be something that could be added to, various pieces could be displayed or not and it wouldn't be permanent.
Gifts
I stumbled upon the blog of someone I used to rent from and she decided to start a list. It's 1,000 gifts. Basically, the premise is to find something to write on and to just start adding things that you value as gifts in life.
The list can be an individual endeavor or collaborative. She added her gifts and also had her husband add some and noted which ones he added so in future they could look back.
I found this concept to be inspiring, so I've decided to join in and start listing the gifts that I have in life.
This weekend commenced with a journey to the county fair. Haven't been to one of those in a few years and I do have to say, I really love this fair. Everything was spaced out so nicely and with admission came the ability to partake in a concert, really great performances by Chinese acrobats, movies, animals, rides, etc. Also had the best company one could ask for as well, which made the experience all the more wonderful.
Art
One of my favorite parts is perusing the exhibit hall and seeing the creative side of local people. It gives ideas and insights into some of the crafting that I do and also it's just enjoyable to appreciate someones take on some aspect of the world.
I've really gotten into paintings done by local artists that feature landscapes from around the area. I think a part of this is because I have a mural type thing that I wish to create at some point in my life. I want to commission someone or several someones or take classes and learn to paint pieces that feature prominent features/places/things from my life.Murals have always fascinated me because most tend to tell a story, which is probably the inspiration for a multi-piece type of "mural" that I want to create. It wouldn't be entire walls. One, maybe two, canvasses from pivotal places or points in my lifetime that feature local places with significant things tied into the landscape.
Or maybe it would only be a mural representing the parks or...I dunno. For me I liken the idea to the reason that some get tattoos. I think the art pieces would express the same only it would be something that could be added to, various pieces could be displayed or not and it wouldn't be permanent.
Gifts
I stumbled upon the blog of someone I used to rent from and she decided to start a list. It's 1,000 gifts. Basically, the premise is to find something to write on and to just start adding things that you value as gifts in life.
The list can be an individual endeavor or collaborative. She added her gifts and also had her husband add some and noted which ones he added so in future they could look back.
I found this concept to be inspiring, so I've decided to join in and start listing the gifts that I have in life.
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Victory!
Learned yesterday that New York is becoming the next state to legalize gay marriage. Yet another victory!
I don't have too many strong opinions on politically hot topics with exception to a couple. The first being environmental things and the second being LGBT rights.
I believe every citizen in the United States and world deserves equal rights. I think it is absolutely insane that not every one can get married. It's devastating to me to have so many friends who want to legally secure their unity, but they cannot, because people think it's wrong for people of the same gender to get married.
Oi! Anyways, the vote comes to Minnesota this fall. If they disappoint me, I may have to disown my home state.
In other news:
Life has been a bit of a roller coaster lately. Good things, good things almost slipping away, some not so good things. But, in all honesty, it has been mostly good.
Had an epic fun weekend last weekend. Wish all of them could be that way, but I've got to keep a big cap on any money spending and of course, all the things that fulfill my craving for fun and adventure cost money. Still trying to work out free forms of adventure, but the fact that gas is so expensive really makes me feel trapped.
I went kayaking last weekend. That was exciting. First time I've been in a kayak in almost two years and the first time I've paddled anything in equally as long. I've missed it. There's just something about being surrounded by water that makes you want to adventure onto it. Definitely miss having a job that required paddling weekly. Of course, most of it was in a big old canoe. We got to take the kayaks out infrequently and while some of the stuff seems similar, it's definitely a whole new ball game.
I'm anxious to take a class or two focusing on sea kayaking. I want to get out on the bay and ocean at some point, but I flat out refuse until I'm confident I know what I'm doing. The ocean, tides, and currents scare the bajeezus out of me, which is why I still have yet to swim in the Pacific even though I've lived here for nearly two years now.
Hmm, what else. This weekend was low key. It was really nice because plans kind of kept popping out of the woodwork. Got ask by a dorm mate to go to a campfire on Thursday. Decided to go for it. They had smores and some storytelling and demonstrations of the spanish discovery of SF area. Kind of neat, a bit awkward with re-enactors though, but still a good time. Ended up grabbing a drink with a couple other people after, still got to bed by 10ish!
Friday was looking to be boring, but a former dorm mate came into town and wanted to hike with me. So we did about an hour and then went to a food truck event thing in the city. That was pretty great because a bunch of former dorm mates and current ones were there and all the food was tasty and pretty inexpensive. Got home and went to sleep around 10ish.
Woke up this morning and was actually motivated to get things accomplished even though I ran out of coffee. Did all my chores and domestic duties and finished by 1Pm. Ended up taking a 3 hour nap out of boredom. Spent a couple hours cooking my epic dinner of pork chops, grilled veggies, and cornbread, and now am back to being bored and trying not to go to sleep.
Even with the lulls in activity, this weekend was pretty good. The only thing it lacked was fulfillment of my craving to go out to breakfast. I don't know why, but "Sundays" seem to make me want to eat breakfast somewhere and of course, the casual mention of it at work as a joke and the smell of bacon most mornings don't help the craving go away.
Also made me feel pretty awesome to have people want to hang out with me. Definitely a plus, I'm going to go out on a limb and say that this may attest to the fact that I am becoming less awkward as the days go by. Hopefully... :-P
I don't have too many strong opinions on politically hot topics with exception to a couple. The first being environmental things and the second being LGBT rights.
I believe every citizen in the United States and world deserves equal rights. I think it is absolutely insane that not every one can get married. It's devastating to me to have so many friends who want to legally secure their unity, but they cannot, because people think it's wrong for people of the same gender to get married.
Oi! Anyways, the vote comes to Minnesota this fall. If they disappoint me, I may have to disown my home state.
In other news:
Life has been a bit of a roller coaster lately. Good things, good things almost slipping away, some not so good things. But, in all honesty, it has been mostly good.
Had an epic fun weekend last weekend. Wish all of them could be that way, but I've got to keep a big cap on any money spending and of course, all the things that fulfill my craving for fun and adventure cost money. Still trying to work out free forms of adventure, but the fact that gas is so expensive really makes me feel trapped.
I went kayaking last weekend. That was exciting. First time I've been in a kayak in almost two years and the first time I've paddled anything in equally as long. I've missed it. There's just something about being surrounded by water that makes you want to adventure onto it. Definitely miss having a job that required paddling weekly. Of course, most of it was in a big old canoe. We got to take the kayaks out infrequently and while some of the stuff seems similar, it's definitely a whole new ball game.
I'm anxious to take a class or two focusing on sea kayaking. I want to get out on the bay and ocean at some point, but I flat out refuse until I'm confident I know what I'm doing. The ocean, tides, and currents scare the bajeezus out of me, which is why I still have yet to swim in the Pacific even though I've lived here for nearly two years now.
Hmm, what else. This weekend was low key. It was really nice because plans kind of kept popping out of the woodwork. Got ask by a dorm mate to go to a campfire on Thursday. Decided to go for it. They had smores and some storytelling and demonstrations of the spanish discovery of SF area. Kind of neat, a bit awkward with re-enactors though, but still a good time. Ended up grabbing a drink with a couple other people after, still got to bed by 10ish!
Friday was looking to be boring, but a former dorm mate came into town and wanted to hike with me. So we did about an hour and then went to a food truck event thing in the city. That was pretty great because a bunch of former dorm mates and current ones were there and all the food was tasty and pretty inexpensive. Got home and went to sleep around 10ish.
Woke up this morning and was actually motivated to get things accomplished even though I ran out of coffee. Did all my chores and domestic duties and finished by 1Pm. Ended up taking a 3 hour nap out of boredom. Spent a couple hours cooking my epic dinner of pork chops, grilled veggies, and cornbread, and now am back to being bored and trying not to go to sleep.
Even with the lulls in activity, this weekend was pretty good. The only thing it lacked was fulfillment of my craving to go out to breakfast. I don't know why, but "Sundays" seem to make me want to eat breakfast somewhere and of course, the casual mention of it at work as a joke and the smell of bacon most mornings don't help the craving go away.
Also made me feel pretty awesome to have people want to hang out with me. Definitely a plus, I'm going to go out on a limb and say that this may attest to the fact that I am becoming less awkward as the days go by. Hopefully... :-P
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